actually for mrs loconte and english 12
but we'll pretend it's for you
though you might not want it to be
i did this for class and i kind of like it
we were supposed to take four lines of a poem and then write four stanzas each ending in a line from the four lines we chose
i chose
i never wanted you -david bazan, hey songs are poems!
the rhyme scheme is
aabbccabc ddeeffdef gghhiighi jjkklljkl
the things in brackets is alternative and i haven't decided what the final line will be and i have to rework it a lot so it flows more, leave a comment or suggestion as to how i can do that or just what you think of it
here it is
you opened my eyes to things new
and our lust ever more grew
and my innocents was cracked
true love, our relationship lacked
you captured me, you seemed taboo
I stuck to you, right to your shoe
my view of you was so askew
you covered my eyes to the fact,
I never wanted you
loving you was/felt (whatever sounds better) like committing crimes
I tried to leave you many times
but I never wanted to be alone
your "love" for me was never shown
I should have known, you were see through
you made me sick, just like the flu
I used to hold you in sublimes (not sure if that’s the right use of that word)
I never wanted too
I fell into you, just like quicksand
you, I was not able to withstand
you tasted bitter (or bittersweet) on my lips) like (a) bourbon
to me you'd always beckon
but woe is me, I never got smart
to what you did, and the perfected art (or its perfected art)
you took my hand
and blurred my vision
but you never had my heart
I was fooled, I do admit
but now I’m in the cockpit (I as desperate for a word that rhymed, I actually don't like this line)with you I felt entombed
my soul completely consumed
but from you I did withdrew
but the answer, I still pursue
why did you do it?
And how was I exhumed?
our love was never true.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Experiment 4223 - A Fishy Tale
So over the past couple of days I have been conducting an experiment to test a theory of mine.
Every day my mother tells me to clean my room and that it is a pig's sty. btw there are no pigs in my room thus it can't be a pig's sty.
Anyways she says this no matter what, wheather there is one thing on the floor or twenty. So I came up with this theory that she doesn't actually look in my room, She just ASSUMES that it is messy.
And everyone knows that when you assume you make and ass out of you, not me.
So I spent many a moons thinking up how to figure out wheather she is looking in my room or not.
I first thought I should paint it, but no that's a little to obvious and well I'm lazy. Then maybe rearranging my furniture. A good idea except that I would have to clean my room in order to do that.
So me and my pal Drew went to petcetra to pick up some gp food when I stumbled across a sign Fish!!!!! 50% off.
It didn't take long to connect the dots.
I will buy a fish, put it in one of my mom's measuring cups and leave it in my room in a highly visible place. If she sees it then she is actually looking in my room and intern is mentally unstable cause she thinks one shirt on the floor is messy.
OR
She doesn't actually look at my room, she just assumes that it is messy. And don't make me explain what assume means again.
So basically it's a win/win situation for me. HAHA
Hubert also known as experiment 4223 has been in my room for a total of 48 hours and she has yet to notice the fish. She has asked me to clean my room a total of 4 times.
I am drawing up the papers for the mental institution now.
Jess, One. Mom, Zero
Every day my mother tells me to clean my room and that it is a pig's sty. btw there are no pigs in my room thus it can't be a pig's sty.
Anyways she says this no matter what, wheather there is one thing on the floor or twenty. So I came up with this theory that she doesn't actually look in my room, She just ASSUMES that it is messy.
And everyone knows that when you assume you make and ass out of you, not me.
So I spent many a moons thinking up how to figure out wheather she is looking in my room or not.
I first thought I should paint it, but no that's a little to obvious and well I'm lazy. Then maybe rearranging my furniture. A good idea except that I would have to clean my room in order to do that.
So me and my pal Drew went to petcetra to pick up some gp food when I stumbled across a sign Fish!!!!! 50% off.
It didn't take long to connect the dots.
I will buy a fish, put it in one of my mom's measuring cups and leave it in my room in a highly visible place. If she sees it then she is actually looking in my room and intern is mentally unstable cause she thinks one shirt on the floor is messy.
OR
She doesn't actually look at my room, she just assumes that it is messy. And don't make me explain what assume means again.
So basically it's a win/win situation for me. HAHA
Hubert also known as experiment 4223 has been in my room for a total of 48 hours and she has yet to notice the fish. She has asked me to clean my room a total of 4 times.
I am drawing up the papers for the mental institution now.
Jess, One. Mom, Zero
Monday, May 25, 2009
Lift Those Knees Ladies!
okay so I have been trying to improve myself lately in every aspect of my life.
And since my mind and soul are near perfect [jk] I've been focusing on my bod.
That's right people, I've been hittin the gym.
I've been hitting it hard.
So I was there the other day with my fateful partner Jenn and we were running and pumping iron, when i realized this really scary women.
She's about six foot something, brown crazy person hair. tight lulu lemon pants and steroid muscles. I mean this chick looked like she had steroids put into her bottle from the day she was born. Her muscles were having sex with each other a producing more muscles! I'm quite sure she had a package, if you know what I mean.... :o
Just kidding...
She actually looked quite normal. She was wearing lulu lemon and had brown hair, and it was quite tame. She did have muscles, but just a little bit. however her eyes looked crazy, and I'm just gunna skip ahead to the moral of the story, you can tell how crazy a person is based on their eyes.
Well I'm sitting at this machine the one where you are sitting down and you push your legs apart against the machine, quite the compromising position, but i thought nothing of it cause it was just LADIES fitness.
So this chick sits on the machine across from me, the one that you push your arms out, and starts using it and with every push she lets out this HUGE grunt as her eyes stare deep into my soul!
so I'm ahh... feeling a little uncomfortable so I finish my rep quickly and move to another machine which is basically the same idea except your pushing in with your legs.
NO JOKE HERE. she gets up, goes to the machine across from me a does the same thing!
so I go into one of those flash back modes and realize she was there when I was running and when I was doing sit ups! It took me this long to realize this! I am an IDIOT! So I stand up and go to the machine at the far end of the room to test this theory of her following me. This may have not been a wise choice...
Let me explain this machine, you are on all fours on a raised platform and you lift one leg up to work out your butt. Not a wise decision at all.
I see her do a couple more reps, then she stands, looks around and spots me. I swear she looked straight into my eyes. She starts walking over, and I start panicking, looking around for someone to save me. btw screw you superman, you weren't there when I needed you! and I'm like oh no oh no, mean while I don't think "hey maybe I should get off the machine or maybe at the very least put my leg down" nope that's too much to ask from little old me.
Crazy lady walks up to me looks me straight in the eyes [btw I can feel eyes torching my very thoughts] and says "hey you need me to spot you" in a very masculine voice. and I say in a tiny mouse creeped out voice "no thanks, I'm gooood" and oh yes I made the ooo on good extra long.
never saw her again, weirdest thing ever
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have not only learned you can tell how crazy a person is by their eyes. but when you are being followed by a crazy person do not go to the machine that is in the corner and has you on all fours with one leg up in the air... and pls don't make me explain why...:P
And since my mind and soul are near perfect [jk] I've been focusing on my bod.
That's right people, I've been hittin the gym.
I've been hitting it hard.
So I was there the other day with my fateful partner Jenn and we were running and pumping iron, when i realized this really scary women.
She's about six foot something, brown crazy person hair. tight lulu lemon pants and steroid muscles. I mean this chick looked like she had steroids put into her bottle from the day she was born. Her muscles were having sex with each other a producing more muscles! I'm quite sure she had a package, if you know what I mean.... :o
Just kidding...
She actually looked quite normal. She was wearing lulu lemon and had brown hair, and it was quite tame. She did have muscles, but just a little bit. however her eyes looked crazy, and I'm just gunna skip ahead to the moral of the story, you can tell how crazy a person is based on their eyes.
Well I'm sitting at this machine the one where you are sitting down and you push your legs apart against the machine, quite the compromising position, but i thought nothing of it cause it was just LADIES fitness.
So this chick sits on the machine across from me, the one that you push your arms out, and starts using it and with every push she lets out this HUGE grunt as her eyes stare deep into my soul!
so I'm ahh... feeling a little uncomfortable so I finish my rep quickly and move to another machine which is basically the same idea except your pushing in with your legs.
NO JOKE HERE. she gets up, goes to the machine across from me a does the same thing!
so I go into one of those flash back modes and realize she was there when I was running and when I was doing sit ups! It took me this long to realize this! I am an IDIOT! So I stand up and go to the machine at the far end of the room to test this theory of her following me. This may have not been a wise choice...
Let me explain this machine, you are on all fours on a raised platform and you lift one leg up to work out your butt. Not a wise decision at all.
I see her do a couple more reps, then she stands, looks around and spots me. I swear she looked straight into my eyes. She starts walking over, and I start panicking, looking around for someone to save me. btw screw you superman, you weren't there when I needed you! and I'm like oh no oh no, mean while I don't think "hey maybe I should get off the machine or maybe at the very least put my leg down" nope that's too much to ask from little old me.
Crazy lady walks up to me looks me straight in the eyes [btw I can feel eyes torching my very thoughts] and says "hey you need me to spot you" in a very masculine voice. and I say in a tiny mouse creeped out voice "no thanks, I'm gooood" and oh yes I made the ooo on good extra long.
never saw her again, weirdest thing ever
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have not only learned you can tell how crazy a person is by their eyes. but when you are being followed by a crazy person do not go to the machine that is in the corner and has you on all fours with one leg up in the air... and pls don't make me explain why...:P
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I've Never Felt So Crapy In My Life
I've never wanted something so bad
I've never known a team that deserved it more
I've never known thirteen girls that would sit in class and the only thing they can think of is the game
I've never known myself to want something this bad
Score is tied at 0
2nd half of over time
about 7 mins left
Whistler scores on my net
I've never been more disapointed, more angry, more pissed off at my self then today.
I've never known a team that deserved it more
I've never known thirteen girls that would sit in class and the only thing they can think of is the game
I've never known myself to want something this bad
Score is tied at 0
2nd half of over time
about 7 mins left
Whistler scores on my net
I've never been more disapointed, more angry, more pissed off at my self then today.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
COSTA RICA!!!
i'm too lazy to write a new thing on costa rica because i have sent out a billion e-mails so i'm gunna copy and paste and e-mail i sent to debs telling you all about my trip!
Guess what!?
I went to Costa Rica and got engaged!
haha jkjk
But no jokes, it was possibly the most amazing trip of my life.
So we get there and spend the night in San José at h.q. which is the organization we went through called Christ for the city. The next day we did orientation stuff and hung out slept there again and left for Cannas in the morning...
We were at a church called oasis. We get there and have our first of many meals of rice and beans. The families get there and pick us up and we go to our houses. At first it was hella awkward cause they speak no English and all we have is a Costa Rican phrase book.
Shall we side track to the house? Sure.
Our house was pink. Pink on the outside, pink on the inside, pink curtains, it was awesome. The house was really simple. Concrete walls that don’t touch the ceiling so you can tell where everyone is in the house and a tin roof. which only connected at the sides and there was about a foot gap to the outside in the front and back thus making the house available for any wandering insects and lizards :P I wish we could live that way, everything’s so simple, I love it.
Back to the family. We had a single mom named Rosa which was eventually shortened to ma, a seven yr old sister named alondrea, who was very shy, and a sixteen year old sister whose name is Gaby. The first day she came and introduced us to every single friend in our neighborhood, and her grandma. It is such a welcoming in atmosphere, that’s another thing I wish we could do here. But that just isn't all who was in my family. Their were only two groups of us on the poorer side of town. Me and Nicole and or family and Dominique, kailah, and their family. And because our families were friends we hung out a lot so I also had too little brothers. Joshua (7) and Brandon (5). It actually makes me want to cry every time I think of these boys because my love for them and their love for us grew so vast and so deep during the week we were with them. They never wanted to leave our sides, even when we had to leave them in the morning to do construction. They would always pull us close and whisper in our ears like a paragraph in Spanish and all you would understand was "Uno photo!" I took about a million pics of these boys the little performers they are. And Gaby took us in like sisters who were also friends. Every night she would invite some one over to meet us and she even took us to her school! Which btw the ratio of girls to guys in Costa Rica are like 10:1. Whenever you walk down the street you would hear whistles and hisses and "PURA VIDA" which is like saying whets going on? That’s one thing that’s hard about being back here, is the guys are too afraid to speak to you, it’s honestly retarded. We met a guy named Hayner who was freaking funny cause he acted out things to talk to us and with a lot of looking in the Spanish to English dictionary we had a good conversation. The people there are amazing.
Another thing I would love to take back is how the people are so on fire for God. There was some church related thing everyday. One church service the pastor was preaching his heart out, nothing could stop him, and our translator had to stop because he was going too fast. Even though you couldn't understand what he was saying you knew that the holy sprit was there in the building. People started going to the alter cause the pastor was calling people up that wanted to be prayed for. And people were praying over them and they were shaking and falling over, and it is hard to watch. And it sounds like it could be fake but it was like the real deal, I felt it inside of me, something big was going down. Then the pastor started speaking in tongues. That’s when I lost it. Almost everyone in my class was crying. The pastor called us to the front and people came and hugged us and prayed for us. Most of these people were crying as well, and most of these people we had never met or had just met that night! And you could tell that their prayers and their hugs were really genuine. It was amazing, seriously.
So moving onto a brighter and dirtier note. We did construction during the day which was digging up new fence posts and digging new holes for new ones. Everyone who drove by honked in support of us. Also because everyone knew we were foreigners. We also went to schools and did crafts, face paints, sports. It was really funny because most of the time we outnumbered the kids 3:1.
Dude, food was good but very repetitive. Rice and beans and bread. Very carby. Since our family was poorer we only ate meat three times and twice, it was like chicken patties the size of half my palm. We bought fried chicken on our way to church in secret ;p but I dropped 5 pounds because I barely ate cause my body was actually saying no to rice and beans.
At church we lead worship and did skits. Have you heard of the everything skit? its quite powerful, and I was the lead girl, and I was worried I wasn't going to be good enough but after wards a women came up to me and hugged me and shook my hand, but in the hand shake she gave me a gorgeous ring and her e-mail. Never saw her before and only saw her once after. It was quite a beautiful gesture.
Hmmm... there’s a lot of funny cockroach stories and lizards are everywhere. There was a jumping spider in my bed one night!
After that week and a very very emotional goodbye, we spent the night at a hotel in a ghost town on the beach. We had a bon fire and it was great bonding time.
The next night we spent at h.q. and me joy Corry Angus and Mr. Chung pulled an all nighter playing big two and the winner gets to make a new rule it was crazy. There were feet in mouths, fingers up noses, and you had to drink a L of water if you lost, which is really hard to do if you’re not thirsty.... lol
Then the worst thing happened, I came home.
I plan to go back next year, for sure. You should come.
Guess what!?
I went to Costa Rica and got engaged!
haha jkjk
But no jokes, it was possibly the most amazing trip of my life.
So we get there and spend the night in San José at h.q. which is the organization we went through called Christ for the city. The next day we did orientation stuff and hung out slept there again and left for Cannas in the morning...
We were at a church called oasis. We get there and have our first of many meals of rice and beans. The families get there and pick us up and we go to our houses. At first it was hella awkward cause they speak no English and all we have is a Costa Rican phrase book.
Shall we side track to the house? Sure.
Our house was pink. Pink on the outside, pink on the inside, pink curtains, it was awesome. The house was really simple. Concrete walls that don’t touch the ceiling so you can tell where everyone is in the house and a tin roof. which only connected at the sides and there was about a foot gap to the outside in the front and back thus making the house available for any wandering insects and lizards :P I wish we could live that way, everything’s so simple, I love it.
Back to the family. We had a single mom named Rosa which was eventually shortened to ma, a seven yr old sister named alondrea, who was very shy, and a sixteen year old sister whose name is Gaby. The first day she came and introduced us to every single friend in our neighborhood, and her grandma. It is such a welcoming in atmosphere, that’s another thing I wish we could do here. But that just isn't all who was in my family. Their were only two groups of us on the poorer side of town. Me and Nicole and or family and Dominique, kailah, and their family. And because our families were friends we hung out a lot so I also had too little brothers. Joshua (7) and Brandon (5). It actually makes me want to cry every time I think of these boys because my love for them and their love for us grew so vast and so deep during the week we were with them. They never wanted to leave our sides, even when we had to leave them in the morning to do construction. They would always pull us close and whisper in our ears like a paragraph in Spanish and all you would understand was "Uno photo!" I took about a million pics of these boys the little performers they are. And Gaby took us in like sisters who were also friends. Every night she would invite some one over to meet us and she even took us to her school! Which btw the ratio of girls to guys in Costa Rica are like 10:1. Whenever you walk down the street you would hear whistles and hisses and "PURA VIDA" which is like saying whets going on? That’s one thing that’s hard about being back here, is the guys are too afraid to speak to you, it’s honestly retarded. We met a guy named Hayner who was freaking funny cause he acted out things to talk to us and with a lot of looking in the Spanish to English dictionary we had a good conversation. The people there are amazing.
Another thing I would love to take back is how the people are so on fire for God. There was some church related thing everyday. One church service the pastor was preaching his heart out, nothing could stop him, and our translator had to stop because he was going too fast. Even though you couldn't understand what he was saying you knew that the holy sprit was there in the building. People started going to the alter cause the pastor was calling people up that wanted to be prayed for. And people were praying over them and they were shaking and falling over, and it is hard to watch. And it sounds like it could be fake but it was like the real deal, I felt it inside of me, something big was going down. Then the pastor started speaking in tongues. That’s when I lost it. Almost everyone in my class was crying. The pastor called us to the front and people came and hugged us and prayed for us. Most of these people were crying as well, and most of these people we had never met or had just met that night! And you could tell that their prayers and their hugs were really genuine. It was amazing, seriously.
So moving onto a brighter and dirtier note. We did construction during the day which was digging up new fence posts and digging new holes for new ones. Everyone who drove by honked in support of us. Also because everyone knew we were foreigners. We also went to schools and did crafts, face paints, sports. It was really funny because most of the time we outnumbered the kids 3:1.
Dude, food was good but very repetitive. Rice and beans and bread. Very carby. Since our family was poorer we only ate meat three times and twice, it was like chicken patties the size of half my palm. We bought fried chicken on our way to church in secret ;p but I dropped 5 pounds because I barely ate cause my body was actually saying no to rice and beans.
At church we lead worship and did skits. Have you heard of the everything skit? its quite powerful, and I was the lead girl, and I was worried I wasn't going to be good enough but after wards a women came up to me and hugged me and shook my hand, but in the hand shake she gave me a gorgeous ring and her e-mail. Never saw her before and only saw her once after. It was quite a beautiful gesture.
Hmmm... there’s a lot of funny cockroach stories and lizards are everywhere. There was a jumping spider in my bed one night!
After that week and a very very emotional goodbye, we spent the night at a hotel in a ghost town on the beach. We had a bon fire and it was great bonding time.
The next night we spent at h.q. and me joy Corry Angus and Mr. Chung pulled an all nighter playing big two and the winner gets to make a new rule it was crazy. There were feet in mouths, fingers up noses, and you had to drink a L of water if you lost, which is really hard to do if you’re not thirsty.... lol
Then the worst thing happened, I came home.
I plan to go back next year, for sure. You should come.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
It's Been A While My Old Friend...
...so don't expect any miracles
Any hooo
I have caught the dreaded flu.
For the past three days I have been omnipresently observing you all from Facebook
and don't look at me like I'm the scum of the earth, you all do it too!
You can only change your profile pic so many times until you start to look vain or change your status so many times from "I'm sick" to "ughh" to "stupid flu" till YOU even get annoyed by yourself. Then you say okay let's see what Ryan has been doing...so you surf over to his page and find out he has some homework to do, oh Ryan, by the way, how's the knee?
Okay Ryan, that was for effect, not to creep you out, okay super friend?
Anyways, this starts a vicious cycle where you click on someone else page, you all know under the little tab "friends you have in common"
You end up going to endless peoples pages learning that Debs really likes Slumdog Millionaire and that Jon Wong can't find his cell phone, then it hits me;
HOLY CRAP, Facebook is taking the purpose, drive, and meaning away from all stalkers!
These poor guys who devote their lives to waking up really early and waiting in the bushes outside your house every morning hoping they'll catch a glimpse of you.
BUT NOOO not anymore, the people being stalked have taken the thrill out of it.
You might as well have caught them in your bushes and said
"hey you're wasting your time, I have 2.000 pics on Facebook you can eat your sandwich in front of, or whatever you do with my pictures"
Here is a totally unture phone conversation I didn't actually over hear
Dude: Hey man what you doing today?
Stalker: Dude you always ask this, I'm stalking Amara, remember it's what I do everyday
Dude: Dude, haven't you heard of Facebook, people update their status' and upload pics, the people you stalk do the work for you! You just have to sit at your computer and watch the live feed.
Stalker: *silence*
Dude: Hey, you there man?
Stalker: *Whimpers and lets out a small sob*
Dude: Are you crying?
Stalker: No...I'm just cutting onions
Dude:.....You don't cook
Stalker: SO WHAT IF I"M CRYING... can't a man cry when his life has lost all purpose? You have no feelings, I thought you'd be there for me no matter what!
*click*
Yes, stalker may have over reacted and is a it of a pussy, and yes Dude may be a little insensitive, but that's not the point.
The point is the stalkers we know and love are loosing their purpose.
And I am the first to admit that I am also guilty of the crime against stalkers. That's why I'm proposing a day, in honour of all stalkers. A day that we all disable our Facebook pages, so the stalkers of the world can get back to what they do best.
Follow us with cameras and invade our privacy
Let me just check my date book here, hmm
tmr?...no that's anti-bullying day,
How about the 27th, no according to http://library.thinkquest.org/2886/feb.htm that's international polar bear day
Okay I propose that February 29th be help a Stalker day!
Lets do it for the stalkers.
Any hooo
I have caught the dreaded flu.
For the past three days I have been omnipresently observing you all from Facebook
and don't look at me like I'm the scum of the earth, you all do it too!
You can only change your profile pic so many times until you start to look vain or change your status so many times from "I'm sick" to "ughh" to "stupid flu" till YOU even get annoyed by yourself. Then you say okay let's see what Ryan has been doing...so you surf over to his page and find out he has some homework to do, oh Ryan, by the way, how's the knee?
Okay Ryan, that was for effect, not to creep you out, okay super friend?
Anyways, this starts a vicious cycle where you click on someone else page, you all know under the little tab "friends you have in common"
You end up going to endless peoples pages learning that Debs really likes Slumdog Millionaire and that Jon Wong can't find his cell phone, then it hits me;
HOLY CRAP, Facebook is taking the purpose, drive, and meaning away from all stalkers!
These poor guys who devote their lives to waking up really early and waiting in the bushes outside your house every morning hoping they'll catch a glimpse of you.
BUT NOOO not anymore, the people being stalked have taken the thrill out of it.
You might as well have caught them in your bushes and said
"hey you're wasting your time, I have 2.000 pics on Facebook you can eat your sandwich in front of, or whatever you do with my pictures"
Here is a totally unture phone conversation I didn't actually over hear
Dude: Hey man what you doing today?
Stalker: Dude you always ask this, I'm stalking Amara, remember it's what I do everyday
Dude: Dude, haven't you heard of Facebook, people update their status' and upload pics, the people you stalk do the work for you! You just have to sit at your computer and watch the live feed.
Stalker: *silence*
Dude: Hey, you there man?
Stalker: *Whimpers and lets out a small sob*
Dude: Are you crying?
Stalker: No...I'm just cutting onions
Dude:.....You don't cook
Stalker: SO WHAT IF I"M CRYING... can't a man cry when his life has lost all purpose? You have no feelings, I thought you'd be there for me no matter what!
*click*
Yes, stalker may have over reacted and is a it of a pussy, and yes Dude may be a little insensitive, but that's not the point.
The point is the stalkers we know and love are loosing their purpose.
And I am the first to admit that I am also guilty of the crime against stalkers. That's why I'm proposing a day, in honour of all stalkers. A day that we all disable our Facebook pages, so the stalkers of the world can get back to what they do best.
Follow us with cameras and invade our privacy
Let me just check my date book here, hmm
tmr?...no that's anti-bullying day,
How about the 27th, no according to http://library.thinkquest.org/2886/feb.htm that's international polar bear day
Okay I propose that February 29th be help a Stalker day!
Lets do it for the stalkers.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Kissing....It's Lethal
Well maybe not lethal but it could make you deaf.
That's right people, your ears are at risk, and it's not because you play your music to loud or some physco is running around with a nail gun shooting nails into your ears when your sleeping.
[however that does sound like the good idea for the novel I'm gunna write]
No, the treat to your ears could possibly be the person sitting next to you reading this...you significant other.... [or someone who is not so significant, but you still tend to suck face with them]
That's right people, I was watching some late night t.v. a couple of weeks back [I've been meaning to write this for a while :P] when Stephan Colbert [aka sexy/smartest guy in the world] started one of my favorite sections of the show; the threat down
Basically he numbers off the top five things that threaten our very being, among them there is often bears and Tom Cruise. [I actually don't think Tom Cruise had been on the threat down, but I think he should be!]
So .... back to our story...
NUMBER FIVE JAPANESE MEN
That's right, a guy in Japan kissed his girlfriend so hard that he "depressurized" her mouth and her ear drum blew!!
omfggm.... the poor girl.
One moment she's kissing her boyfriend thinking;
"Oh my, life is great, I have a job, a Mitsubishi, a boyfriend with whom I can swap saliva with, AND I can listen to the sound of birds and the timer on my rice cooker, then
BOOM
Her ear explodes and blood is shooting everywhere and she can no longer hear birds or when her rice is done! Her boyfriend drenched in ear puss and blood hasn't even realized what he's done...
Okay maybe that was a bit tooo graphic and a little over exaggerated, but hey, if we don't toughen up as kids, we end up being wimpy adults :P
this is from a newspaper:
'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1092849/Kiss-deaf-Chinese-girl-loses-hearing-passionate-kiss-ruptures-eardrum.html
All in all we learned a valuable lesson at the cost of one girls hearing;
Kissing is a dangerous sport, go back to kissing your pillow, it's safer....
:P
That's right people, your ears are at risk, and it's not because you play your music to loud or some physco is running around with a nail gun shooting nails into your ears when your sleeping.
[however that does sound like the good idea for the novel I'm gunna write]
No, the treat to your ears could possibly be the person sitting next to you reading this...you significant other.... [or someone who is not so significant, but you still tend to suck face with them]
That's right people, I was watching some late night t.v. a couple of weeks back [I've been meaning to write this for a while :P] when Stephan Colbert [aka sexy/smartest guy in the world] started one of my favorite sections of the show; the threat down
Basically he numbers off the top five things that threaten our very being, among them there is often bears and Tom Cruise. [I actually don't think Tom Cruise had been on the threat down, but I think he should be!]
So .... back to our story...
NUMBER FIVE JAPANESE MEN
That's right, a guy in Japan kissed his girlfriend so hard that he "depressurized" her mouth and her ear drum blew!!
omfggm.... the poor girl.
One moment she's kissing her boyfriend thinking;
"Oh my, life is great, I have a job, a Mitsubishi, a boyfriend with whom I can swap saliva with, AND I can listen to the sound of birds and the timer on my rice cooker, then
BOOM
Her ear explodes and blood is shooting everywhere and she can no longer hear birds or when her rice is done! Her boyfriend drenched in ear puss and blood hasn't even realized what he's done...
Okay maybe that was a bit tooo graphic and a little over exaggerated, but hey, if we don't toughen up as kids, we end up being wimpy adults :P
this is from a newspaper:
'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1092849/Kiss-deaf-Chinese-girl-loses-hearing-passionate-kiss-ruptures-eardrum.html
All in all we learned a valuable lesson at the cost of one girls hearing;
Kissing is a dangerous sport, go back to kissing your pillow, it's safer....
:P
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Long over due
so I promised some peeps I would write a blog entry on the day of school that should have been cancelled
so here it is
The following takes place between 7 am and 3.30 pm
So I awake at the usual time and spring out of bed with a smile on my face [as usual] and dash to the window in hopes that my dreams had come true in the form of frozen fluffy water
and too my great joy, what should my eyes behold, but a blanket of fresh snow and more falling from the heavens. [that would have been so cool if it rhymed]
I made a run for the computer thinking, its a good thing I didn't do my homework because there is no way in hell that my school would be open, I mean we all know at the first sign of snow, Vancouver shuts down.
But to my dismay I found nothing, not even the acknowledgement that snow had fallen.
So I call the school in my disbelief and to my dismay, I here the four words that no one wants to hear.
And it wasn't "we need to talk"
it was "the school is open"
Outraged beyond belief I left my house, kilt and all, for the journey of a life time.
I had to walk through the snow and my feet got extremely wet and my skytrain was stuck on the tracks for 30 min
not to mention it kept stopping abruptly, I thought it was gunna Derail
and if I died I was blaming the school.
I finally get to the 101 bus stop and what should my wandering eye see?
Dom and two little tenth graders waiting for a bus that would never come
we decided to call the school and give them our pity story as to why we were late when to our surprise our very own principal offered to come pick us up!
We drove with him trying to convince him to close the school for the next day but he as quite determined to keep us in the brick prison we call school.
When we finally got there my teacher confiscated my hat, scarf, and gloves despite the fact that I resembled Jack when he was freezing in the water after the Titanic sank. [I know you all saw that movie!]
the whole day was filled with multiple moans and groans from everyone and the constant fear that we would have to spend the night at school.
Wanting to avoid this a bunch of us were going to leave early but the grade 12's beat us to it and from then on teachers were patrolling the hallways
The whole day was a gong show, and I think a lot of us wanted it to stay that way so they would be to scared to keep the school open the next day
The day perked put though, snow balls in the hallway
me screaming "SCHOOLS CANCELLED GO HOME!" and people actually believing me
Dom organising a school wide snowball fight 5 min into 3rd block and only the grade tens going out and getting in extreme trouble
Dom being carried outside and covered in snow *ouch*
and convincing Mr. Cheng to let us have a snowball fight during class was a "good idea"
this of coarse resulted in teachers getting hit by snowballs and snowballs being thrown into the windows of classes in session:)
This was honestly the best non-snow day of school ever!
And it goes without saying that they closed the school the next day!
The following takes place between 7 am and 3.30 pm
So I awake at the usual time and spring out of bed with a smile on my face [as usual] and dash to the window in hopes that my dreams had come true in the form of frozen fluffy water
and too my great joy, what should my eyes behold, but a blanket of fresh snow and more falling from the heavens. [that would have been so cool if it rhymed]
I made a run for the computer thinking, its a good thing I didn't do my homework because there is no way in hell that my school would be open, I mean we all know at the first sign of snow, Vancouver shuts down.
But to my dismay I found nothing, not even the acknowledgement that snow had fallen.
So I call the school in my disbelief and to my dismay, I here the four words that no one wants to hear.
And it wasn't "we need to talk"
it was "the school is open"
Outraged beyond belief I left my house, kilt and all, for the journey of a life time.
I had to walk through the snow and my feet got extremely wet and my skytrain was stuck on the tracks for 30 min
not to mention it kept stopping abruptly, I thought it was gunna Derail
and if I died I was blaming the school.
I finally get to the 101 bus stop and what should my wandering eye see?
Dom and two little tenth graders waiting for a bus that would never come
we decided to call the school and give them our pity story as to why we were late when to our surprise our very own principal offered to come pick us up!
We drove with him trying to convince him to close the school for the next day but he as quite determined to keep us in the brick prison we call school.
When we finally got there my teacher confiscated my hat, scarf, and gloves despite the fact that I resembled Jack when he was freezing in the water after the Titanic sank. [I know you all saw that movie!]
the whole day was filled with multiple moans and groans from everyone and the constant fear that we would have to spend the night at school.
Wanting to avoid this a bunch of us were going to leave early but the grade 12's beat us to it and from then on teachers were patrolling the hallways
The whole day was a gong show, and I think a lot of us wanted it to stay that way so they would be to scared to keep the school open the next day
The day perked put though, snow balls in the hallway
me screaming "SCHOOLS CANCELLED GO HOME!" and people actually believing me
Dom organising a school wide snowball fight 5 min into 3rd block and only the grade tens going out and getting in extreme trouble
Dom being carried outside and covered in snow *ouch*
and convincing Mr. Cheng to let us have a snowball fight during class was a "good idea"
this of coarse resulted in teachers getting hit by snowballs and snowballs being thrown into the windows of classes in session:)
This was honestly the best non-snow day of school ever!
And it goes without saying that they closed the school the next day!
Not to mention the invention and premier of Maggies new cd "Maggie under the Mistletoe"
*see above picture*
Including Songs like
"It's Christmas Time, Lets Celebrate!"
Featuring duets with Amara on the track "Christmas Morning"
And the bonus track "Christmas time in Africa" by yours truly
now to send you on your ways here is a couple lines from "Christmas Morning"
It's Christmas morning
children running down the stairs
to open their presents...
Little jimmy trips
but daddy helps him up
....
the turkeys in the ovennnn and the corn is in the microwave!
its one of those things where you had to be there for it to be funny
lol
Including Songs like
"It's Christmas Time, Lets Celebrate!"
Featuring duets with Amara on the track "Christmas Morning"
And the bonus track "Christmas time in Africa" by yours truly
now to send you on your ways here is a couple lines from "Christmas Morning"
It's Christmas morning
children running down the stairs
to open their presents...
Little jimmy trips
but daddy helps him up
....
the turkeys in the ovennnn and the corn is in the microwave!
its one of those things where you had to be there for it to be funny
lol
Sunday, December 14, 2008
WANTED:
A Fake Boyfriend...
I' gunna be honest with you guys, and trust me it is hard for me to admit this seeing as it NEVER happens, prepare yourself...
I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE
which also happens to be quite hilarious for your benefit :p
Now before you start thinking to yourselves; that Jess, so desperate, now she's putting up want ads on her blog... I loose all respect for her...
WAIT, stop loosing respect for me! If you knew me well enough I don't really complain about not having a bf, and since you assumed I was complaining I have lost respect for you [see how I just made YOU the bad guy...lol]
Anyways, let me take you way back, back to a time and a place both foreign and unknown.... [Que crazy fade out music and cloudy mist]
December 13th 2008, My place of employment.
I was looking over my schedule with my boss at the end of my shift when he directed my attention to a notice he pinned up under the hours board
STAFF PARTY-SHBUSAN, 7.30
I was like "hell yeah! all you can eat and my boss pays for it!! whoop!"
I mean anyone would have this reaction, you don't have to be starving to have love food.
but then that's when it all started going down hill, i noticed that everyone who works with me had there name on the list along with a number.
oh don't panic, I was on the list....oh yes I was on the list...but with a big fat ONE next to it, i proceeded to notice that everyone else had a two by there name so I'm thinking;
"Hmmm so he just assumes I have no friends, ouch what a stab in my side"
Significant other didn't even cross my mind...
So I ask my boss if I could bring someone and he was like
"Only official boyfriend"
lol I laughed at this cause he said official, do you need a court order for these things?
but then I stopped laughing, I had realized he just assumed I was single...
DO I LOOK THAT LONELY?
lol
So I could have just stopped myself there but no, I had to say yes.
I said yes for two reasons;
A) I wanted to prove my boss wrong even though he was technically right, but who cares about technicalities?
B) I was gunna be the only one there alone...not cool
I would be the awkward 3rd wheel for about 10 couples!!
I can't let this happen, so this brings us back to the present day and my present predicament.
I need a fake boyfriend for December 21st 7.30
I know what your thinking, oh Jess and her shenanigans, she's crazy!
I would like to tell you I am not crazy however, I have a knack for getting myself in tight spots
Sooo if your interested give me a call
you get a free all you can eat dinner, and I'm not that bad to look at
please don't apply if you are under 5'8 and have an overage of facial hair
You can drop your resume off at my office
Please don't call me, I'll call you LOL
btw this is not a joke, I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS PROBLEM
lol
I' gunna be honest with you guys, and trust me it is hard for me to admit this seeing as it NEVER happens, prepare yourself...
I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE
which also happens to be quite hilarious for your benefit :p
Now before you start thinking to yourselves; that Jess, so desperate, now she's putting up want ads on her blog... I loose all respect for her...
WAIT, stop loosing respect for me! If you knew me well enough I don't really complain about not having a bf, and since you assumed I was complaining I have lost respect for you [see how I just made YOU the bad guy...lol]
Anyways, let me take you way back, back to a time and a place both foreign and unknown.... [Que crazy fade out music and cloudy mist]
December 13th 2008, My place of employment.
I was looking over my schedule with my boss at the end of my shift when he directed my attention to a notice he pinned up under the hours board
STAFF PARTY-SHBUSAN, 7.30
I was like "hell yeah! all you can eat and my boss pays for it!! whoop!"
I mean anyone would have this reaction, you don't have to be starving to have love food.
but then that's when it all started going down hill, i noticed that everyone who works with me had there name on the list along with a number.
oh don't panic, I was on the list....oh yes I was on the list...but with a big fat ONE next to it, i proceeded to notice that everyone else had a two by there name so I'm thinking;
"Hmmm so he just assumes I have no friends, ouch what a stab in my side"
Significant other didn't even cross my mind...
So I ask my boss if I could bring someone and he was like
"Only official boyfriend"
lol I laughed at this cause he said official, do you need a court order for these things?
but then I stopped laughing, I had realized he just assumed I was single...
DO I LOOK THAT LONELY?
lol
So I could have just stopped myself there but no, I had to say yes.
I said yes for two reasons;
A) I wanted to prove my boss wrong even though he was technically right, but who cares about technicalities?
B) I was gunna be the only one there alone...not cool
I would be the awkward 3rd wheel for about 10 couples!!
I can't let this happen, so this brings us back to the present day and my present predicament.
I need a fake boyfriend for December 21st 7.30
I know what your thinking, oh Jess and her shenanigans, she's crazy!
I would like to tell you I am not crazy however, I have a knack for getting myself in tight spots
Sooo if your interested give me a call
you get a free all you can eat dinner, and I'm not that bad to look at
please don't apply if you are under 5'8 and have an overage of facial hair
You can drop your resume off at my office
Please don't call me, I'll call you LOL
btw this is not a joke, I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS PROBLEM
lol
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Dear Math, [a letter to math]
You're gay.
Not that I have anything against homosexuals, just thought I'd clear that up,
Shout-out to my same sex lovin' homies
I would also like to say I like guys, the above statement may have lead you to believe otherwise, that's why I also decided to clear that up.
ANYWAYS
I have been taught my whole life that two negatives [wrongs] don't make a positive [right].
I was told this at a young age and decided not to question it, so I have been going through my life being slapped about and not doing anything about it, and that was cool. I don't like starting conflicts, like my grand pale Kim Jung Il.
BUT OH NO, you come along and flip my whole world upside down.
You tell me sure, two negatives equal a negative, but if you multiply those negatives together you get a positive.
Hold up you mean if I multiply the negatives in life I get a positive?
Let me test this theory;
If I take a crappy mark on a test and multiply it by my house burning down....
hmmm,...carry the two...
Wait a minute! I don't get a positive! I get one homeless me with no chance in hell of going to collage!!
that my friend [or should I say enemy?], is no positive. You have mislead me and clouded my out look on life, you should be ashamed of yourself!
And when you add a negative too a positive you only SOMETIMES get a positive [however being a optimist, I believe that most of the time you get a negative lol]
Math, I truly believe that you are not only going against my mother's teachings, you are also going against my morals [oh no, you didn't] so I am hear by severing our relationship, and I think others should do the same. [and since whatever I think others should do is usually right, you will be a very lonely person/idea/thing]
I don't think I will be needing you in the future so try not to contact me, I'm moving and changing my phone number.
And remember,
It's not you, It's me.
Sincerely;
Jess DeBenedetto
Not that I have anything against homosexuals, just thought I'd clear that up,
Shout-out to my same sex lovin' homies
I would also like to say I like guys, the above statement may have lead you to believe otherwise, that's why I also decided to clear that up.
ANYWAYS
I have been taught my whole life that two negatives [wrongs] don't make a positive [right].
I was told this at a young age and decided not to question it, so I have been going through my life being slapped about and not doing anything about it, and that was cool. I don't like starting conflicts, like my grand pale Kim Jung Il.
BUT OH NO, you come along and flip my whole world upside down.
You tell me sure, two negatives equal a negative, but if you multiply those negatives together you get a positive.
Hold up you mean if I multiply the negatives in life I get a positive?
Let me test this theory;
If I take a crappy mark on a test and multiply it by my house burning down....
hmmm,...carry the two...
Wait a minute! I don't get a positive! I get one homeless me with no chance in hell of going to collage!!
that my friend [or should I say enemy?], is no positive. You have mislead me and clouded my out look on life, you should be ashamed of yourself!
And when you add a negative too a positive you only SOMETIMES get a positive [however being a optimist, I believe that most of the time you get a negative lol]
Math, I truly believe that you are not only going against my mother's teachings, you are also going against my morals [oh no, you didn't] so I am hear by severing our relationship, and I think others should do the same. [and since whatever I think others should do is usually right, you will be a very lonely person/idea/thing]
I don't think I will be needing you in the future so try not to contact me, I'm moving and changing my phone number.
And remember,
It's not you, It's me.
Sincerely;
Jess DeBenedetto
Monday, December 1, 2008
I Think That's Where The Intial Attraction Started...
... that and the purple shirt :P
guys are weird,
I have yet to figure them out.
I could study them out in the wild for a million years,
Write ten books,
Teach a class at UBC,
Hold conferences,
Even have a show like Dr. Phil, trying to answer every one's questions.
And I'd still be confused [which is hard cause i'm a genius lol]
but what can we do?
Oh well I feel bad for them,
Considering we are the more complex of the two ;D
Good luck boys, the game is on
guys are weird,
I have yet to figure them out.
I could study them out in the wild for a million years,
Write ten books,
Teach a class at UBC,
Hold conferences,
Even have a show like Dr. Phil, trying to answer every one's questions.
And I'd still be confused [which is hard cause i'm a genius lol]
but what can we do?
Oh well I feel bad for them,
Considering we are the more complex of the two ;D
Good luck boys, the game is on
Thursday, November 20, 2008
As I Am Writting This...
Connor is singing a very inappropriate song.
...And it is very awkward
Anyways, I'm sitting here in Socials class wanting to blow my brains out cause I have nothing to do sooo i am going to give you a play by play on what Connor is doing.
Right now he is looking up pictures of a popular t.v. show called afro samurai. He is swearing at the screen to try and explain to me about how cool this guy is and that i should get him the seasons for Christmas.
[I said no, lol]
Now he is humming a random tune and asking me what the name of the song he is signing is called, too bad he is tone deaf. because then i could actually tell him what the name of the song is.
I actually can't stand people who think they can sign and burden our ears with the unholy sound that is their voice.
However it is totally different when the person [btw Connor just called me gay, I told him he liked men, same meaning just different way of saying it] knows they can't sing and are just signing for the hell of it.
I am a good example of this. I KNOW i can't sing, so when I do it, it's cool, then again everything I do is cool.
And you know whats even worse... when people know they can sing so they make a point of signing all the time!
Like in the halls, while they are working, while they are walking, even while they are reliving themselves in the washroom.
When you get to the point that you sing on the toilet, you have lost all respect in my eyes [unless you are doing it in the privacy of your on bathroom, cause I admit, I sing on the toilet when no one is home]
But lets side bar to Connor, he is still humming that song and can't understand why I can't tell him the name, he just called his brother to find out the name, anyways back to signing.
You get to the point where your like okay we all know you can sing, so just shut-up.
I can handle to odd talent show or signing oh Canada for an Assembly of some importance.
I can truly handle that, just try not to do it at any other time, please and thank-you.
back to Connor, he is still humming that song asking me what's it called.
I can't understand him, here you try:
he's saying
hmmm hm hm hm hmmmmm HMMMMM hmm HMMM hm hm
any guess?
yours is as good as mine
I actually think your guess is better, that's how bad of a hummer Connor is
and I don't mean hummer as in the car,
but I'm sure he sucks at being one of those too :P
Well I better end this off before he reads it and kills me
pce out
...And it is very awkward
Anyways, I'm sitting here in Socials class wanting to blow my brains out cause I have nothing to do sooo i am going to give you a play by play on what Connor is doing.
Right now he is looking up pictures of a popular t.v. show called afro samurai. He is swearing at the screen to try and explain to me about how cool this guy is and that i should get him the seasons for Christmas.
[I said no, lol]
Now he is humming a random tune and asking me what the name of the song he is signing is called, too bad he is tone deaf. because then i could actually tell him what the name of the song is.
I actually can't stand people who think they can sign and burden our ears with the unholy sound that is their voice.
However it is totally different when the person [btw Connor just called me gay, I told him he liked men, same meaning just different way of saying it] knows they can't sing and are just signing for the hell of it.
I am a good example of this. I KNOW i can't sing, so when I do it, it's cool, then again everything I do is cool.
And you know whats even worse... when people know they can sing so they make a point of signing all the time!
Like in the halls, while they are working, while they are walking, even while they are reliving themselves in the washroom.
When you get to the point that you sing on the toilet, you have lost all respect in my eyes [unless you are doing it in the privacy of your on bathroom, cause I admit, I sing on the toilet when no one is home]
But lets side bar to Connor, he is still humming that song and can't understand why I can't tell him the name, he just called his brother to find out the name, anyways back to signing.
You get to the point where your like okay we all know you can sing, so just shut-up.
I can handle to odd talent show or signing oh Canada for an Assembly of some importance.
I can truly handle that, just try not to do it at any other time, please and thank-you.
back to Connor, he is still humming that song asking me what's it called.
I can't understand him, here you try:
he's saying
hmmm hm hm hm hmmmmm HMMMMM hmm HMMM hm hm
any guess?
yours is as good as mine
I actually think your guess is better, that's how bad of a hummer Connor is
and I don't mean hummer as in the car,
but I'm sure he sucks at being one of those too :P
Well I better end this off before he reads it and kills me
pce out
Monday, November 17, 2008
I Hunt Kelp...
...because I always win...
This is one of many smart and sarcastic comments I made as the poor 18 year old employee of the Vancouver Aquarium was giving us our tour. The poor lad didn't know he was gunna get a group of teenage girls, who had a lot of smart-ass comments to say :P
However, before the tour, we got to go a touch a bunch of sea critters which were all very interesting, even the crab sent from hell to pinch me.
I mean I'm not a completely innocent person but why must this, of all things, happen to me?
We were passing around this hairy, spider-looking, crab and the minute it came to me, some idiot turned off the lights.
That right, the only thing providing me with the ability to see the grotesque thing has been taken away, so naturally I said [in a sarcastic tone]
"well this is great, I love to hold animals with pincher's in the dark it makes me feel like I'm living life on the edge"
And at that very moment the dang thing pinched me!! By the time the lights were back on I was dangling the thing over the piranha tank! [not actually a)because I would never do such a thing, and b) there were no piranhas handy.]
So after our tour of the aquarium, snack, and amazing wet lab [from hell]
We were lead to the underwater beluga viewing area, where we were designated our sleeping areas and told to get ready for bed.
So naturally, all the girls went into the bathrooms together, you know, to compare bra size and how cute each other p.j.'s were.
Hands down, I obviously won in both categories, so it is understandable that I was the first out of the bathroom and back to the sleeping area.
While I was putting my stuff in my bag I looked up to see the 5 week old baby beluga's face [is it called there face, or something more beluga-ey?] pressed up against the glass of the tank!!
My first thought was; GYFUGUCV!
My second thought was; no one is going to believe this, so I looked to my right and saw Nicole, [who was the runner up in the girls bathroom Olympics] and grabbed her to look at this precious creature.
We decided that we had a moment with the beluga that night, we felt that we shared something special with ________ [insert beluga name here], and we thought it felt the same way....but apparently not!
The beluga did the same thing with everyone else the next morning! That little beluga s**t, I feel so used...[and so does Nicole, seeing as she was also there for that moment too]
Anyways, the next morning we got to roam freely around the aquarium, and at this point we have seen everything, you can only see so much of the Aquarium till you start to go mental.
So a bunch of girls and I decided to go to the only place we hadn't been all night,
The gift shop!
We took a bunch of random pics, and filmed a short movie with finger puppets, entitled "grade 11 boys touch each other at night"
It will be premiering next week on youtube.
[ignore that last statement, it may not be true]
Oh and Obama, I'm still waiting for that thank-you card and the announcement that I'm the new Governor of Oklahoma, come on O-dawg I thought we had a deal?
And remember;
If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
ANSWER; Of course not
If Jess falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear her, does she make a sound?
ANSWER; Yes, I always make a sound!
This is one of many smart and sarcastic comments I made as the poor 18 year old employee of the Vancouver Aquarium was giving us our tour. The poor lad didn't know he was gunna get a group of teenage girls, who had a lot of smart-ass comments to say :P
However, before the tour, we got to go a touch a bunch of sea critters which were all very interesting, even the crab sent from hell to pinch me.
I mean I'm not a completely innocent person but why must this, of all things, happen to me?
We were passing around this hairy, spider-looking, crab and the minute it came to me, some idiot turned off the lights.
That right, the only thing providing me with the ability to see the grotesque thing has been taken away, so naturally I said [in a sarcastic tone]
"well this is great, I love to hold animals with pincher's in the dark it makes me feel like I'm living life on the edge"
And at that very moment the dang thing pinched me!! By the time the lights were back on I was dangling the thing over the piranha tank! [not actually a)because I would never do such a thing, and b) there were no piranhas handy.]
So after our tour of the aquarium, snack, and amazing wet lab [from hell]
We were lead to the underwater beluga viewing area, where we were designated our sleeping areas and told to get ready for bed.
So naturally, all the girls went into the bathrooms together, you know, to compare bra size and how cute each other p.j.'s were.
Hands down, I obviously won in both categories, so it is understandable that I was the first out of the bathroom and back to the sleeping area.
While I was putting my stuff in my bag I looked up to see the 5 week old baby beluga's face [is it called there face, or something more beluga-ey?] pressed up against the glass of the tank!!
My first thought was; GYFUGUCV!
My second thought was; no one is going to believe this, so I looked to my right and saw Nicole, [who was the runner up in the girls bathroom Olympics] and grabbed her to look at this precious creature.
We decided that we had a moment with the beluga that night, we felt that we shared something special with ________ [insert beluga name here], and we thought it felt the same way....but apparently not!
The beluga did the same thing with everyone else the next morning! That little beluga s**t, I feel so used...[and so does Nicole, seeing as she was also there for that moment too]
Anyways, the next morning we got to roam freely around the aquarium, and at this point we have seen everything, you can only see so much of the Aquarium till you start to go mental.
So a bunch of girls and I decided to go to the only place we hadn't been all night,
The gift shop!
We took a bunch of random pics, and filmed a short movie with finger puppets, entitled "grade 11 boys touch each other at night"
It will be premiering next week on youtube.
[ignore that last statement, it may not be true]
Oh and Obama, I'm still waiting for that thank-you card and the announcement that I'm the new Governor of Oklahoma, come on O-dawg I thought we had a deal?
And remember;
If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
ANSWER; Of course not
If Jess falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear her, does she make a sound?
ANSWER; Yes, I always make a sound!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Guess Who's Back?
Back again?
Jess is Back.
Tell a friend
no joke, you should call someone up :)
Well let me just start off with an apology, I haven't blogged in a while and some people are going through withdrawals. Some people said they would boycott school if I didn't write a new blog.
No joke, I have even been receiving death threats and notes saying that if I didn't write a new entry they were going to loose faith in all of mankind and maybe even blow something up.
and we don't want that to happen, am I right? [yes, always]
I have another confession, none of those things have actually happened. sorry, the most I got was a nudge in class saying:
"hey, have you updated your blog? cause I like to make fun of it behind your back"
...at least its something :P
anyways I am freakin' in love, that's right I said it
L-O-V-E
and if you know me that's not a word I throw around lightly.
I'm am loving life, its just so chill and I mean besides homework and last Friday [don't even get me started] life is gooood.
so here is my new motto in life, [mind you I didn't write it, but I'm sure if I thought of it first I would have, lol]
The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed.
There was a loophole in my dreaming,so I got out of it.
And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left them, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
And I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.I said "there is nothing I can do for you, you can't do for yourself.
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That's why I'm singing...Baby don't worry cause now I got your back.
And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh.
And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,then we will wait for it to pass
And I will keep you company through those days so long and black.
And we'll keep working on the problem, that no one ever solved
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe;
At our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
Like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.
---Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges
they are brilliant, go buy their CD now lol
and can I please take a moment to say;
lets all hope that Obama wins tomorrow.
That's right guys, I may not be a famous person like Larry King, Oprah, or Alfred Hitchcock but I still count because my opinion is open on the web.
I endorse Obama!
your welcome, you are now sure to win
[p.s. O-dawg, I expect a thank-you card after you win the election, thanks to this endorsement.]
Jess is Back.
Tell a friend
no joke, you should call someone up :)
Well let me just start off with an apology, I haven't blogged in a while and some people are going through withdrawals. Some people said they would boycott school if I didn't write a new blog.
No joke, I have even been receiving death threats and notes saying that if I didn't write a new entry they were going to loose faith in all of mankind and maybe even blow something up.
and we don't want that to happen, am I right? [yes, always]
I have another confession, none of those things have actually happened. sorry, the most I got was a nudge in class saying:
"hey, have you updated your blog? cause I like to make fun of it behind your back"
...at least its something :P
anyways I am freakin' in love, that's right I said it
L-O-V-E
and if you know me that's not a word I throw around lightly.
I'm am loving life, its just so chill and I mean besides homework and last Friday [don't even get me started] life is gooood.
so here is my new motto in life, [mind you I didn't write it, but I'm sure if I thought of it first I would have, lol]
The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed.
There was a loophole in my dreaming,so I got out of it.
And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left them, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
And I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.I said "there is nothing I can do for you, you can't do for yourself.
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That's why I'm singing...Baby don't worry cause now I got your back.
And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh.
And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,then we will wait for it to pass
And I will keep you company through those days so long and black.
And we'll keep working on the problem, that no one ever solved
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe;
At our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
Like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.
---Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges
they are brilliant, go buy their CD now lol
and can I please take a moment to say;
lets all hope that Obama wins tomorrow.
That's right guys, I may not be a famous person like Larry King, Oprah, or Alfred Hitchcock but I still count because my opinion is open on the web.
I endorse Obama!
your welcome, you are now sure to win
[p.s. O-dawg, I expect a thank-you card after you win the election, thanks to this endorsement.]
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Hey Jess, What Do You Do On The Weekends?
Well boys and girls, this is a very good question!
Besides the sex drugs and rock and roll, i like to film pointless stupid movies of my friends.
oh yeah its a good one.
So we were all just chillin at Gaby's house when a very valuable question came up;
what do guys/girls do at sleepovers.
The usual answers came up;
the guys said naked pillow fights, kissing, all that jazz.
and we the girls just said play video games and compare the sizes of our pork swords.
So I'm sitting here thinking this would make a really good, funny, CLEAN, video....
...well it was funny...
Turns out guys have the attention span of a 5 year old so we only got the first couple of scenes done, but we thought;
"hey this can't go to waste!"
So we used the clips we got that night and some clips of a french project gaby and lara did last year and well... we got this strangely funny video
The wonders you can do with a mac and some weird sound effects.
oh btw you may be thinking, where is jess, she's so awesome, she should be in this!!
Well don't worry, I'm the brains behind the camera!
go to:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=59345375224
you actually have to watch it, if you loved me you would watch it!
post what you think!
Besides the sex drugs and rock and roll, i like to film pointless stupid movies of my friends.
oh yeah its a good one.
So we were all just chillin at Gaby's house when a very valuable question came up;
what do guys/girls do at sleepovers.
The usual answers came up;
the guys said naked pillow fights, kissing, all that jazz.
and we the girls just said play video games and compare the sizes of our pork swords.
So I'm sitting here thinking this would make a really good, funny, CLEAN, video....
...well it was funny...
Turns out guys have the attention span of a 5 year old so we only got the first couple of scenes done, but we thought;
"hey this can't go to waste!"
So we used the clips we got that night and some clips of a french project gaby and lara did last year and well... we got this strangely funny video
The wonders you can do with a mac and some weird sound effects.
oh btw you may be thinking, where is jess, she's so awesome, she should be in this!!
Well don't worry, I'm the brains behind the camera!
go to:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=59345375224
you actually have to watch it, if you loved me you would watch it!
post what you think!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Is Anyone An Organ Donor....?
...cause I need to buy some guts.
Seriously, I lost mine, and I'm willing to pay anything [I'm baller like that]
This is what I'm thinking about posting in a local newspaper [not actually, do I seem that unstable?]
WANTED; GUTS
Preferably in good condition,
won't run out on me when I really need them.
pink and fleshy
have some past experience at being "gutsy" [man, I'm good]
willing to trade.
I mean my guts are good, I usually have no problem telling people what I think [I pretty sure I called my teacher a terrorist once]
However they tend to run out on me when I need to say something to someone who really matters.
Seriously, I lost mine, and I'm willing to pay anything [I'm baller like that]
This is what I'm thinking about posting in a local newspaper [not actually, do I seem that unstable?]
WANTED; GUTS
Preferably in good condition,
won't run out on me when I really need them.
pink and fleshy
have some past experience at being "gutsy" [man, I'm good]
willing to trade.
I mean my guts are good, I usually have no problem telling people what I think [I pretty sure I called my teacher a terrorist once]
However they tend to run out on me when I need to say something to someone who really matters.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
It's Sad, I Never Gave A Damn About The Weather...
...but it never gave a damn about me.
Seriously, what the heck is going on with this weather. Couldn't it have some common sense to have some decency to at least call me up and tell me it was going to be like the second ice age.
That way I would have had a chance to stock up on canned goods and umbrellas...
heck... maybe even build a bomb shelter.
But no, the weather had to be a prick and give me no notice, isn't the expectations these days something like two weeks?
I also think the weather is bi-polar [which is a disease that should not be taken lightly]
One day its all sunny and the rabbits and deers are frolicking in the meadows and then the next it's cold and rainy and all the deers and rabbits have been struck down by lightning!
Like actually, I was expecting the second coming to come soon but not this soon.
Before it was like; "hey want to go outside and get a tan and/or skin cancer?"
but now it's like "hey lets go outside and get frost bite and loose all our limbs"
I know you may say, silly jess both of those have negative sides
Well here is my rebuttal: You are looking at the glass half empty. See if you were positive like me you would see the good out of the two... a tan.
At least the sun gives you something good.
But if you know me on a personal level, you will know that I will not just stand by and let the rain smack me across the face.
I smack the rain back.
And I did this by just running in it. I just ran as if it didn't exist.
HA! take that rain!
No one or nothing likes being ignored, trust me.
I may have caught hypothermia, but I sure showed the rain who's boss.
HA!
[I always have the last laugh]
Seriously, what the heck is going on with this weather. Couldn't it have some common sense to have some decency to at least call me up and tell me it was going to be like the second ice age.
That way I would have had a chance to stock up on canned goods and umbrellas...
heck... maybe even build a bomb shelter.
But no, the weather had to be a prick and give me no notice, isn't the expectations these days something like two weeks?
I also think the weather is bi-polar [which is a disease that should not be taken lightly]
One day its all sunny and the rabbits and deers are frolicking in the meadows and then the next it's cold and rainy and all the deers and rabbits have been struck down by lightning!
Like actually, I was expecting the second coming to come soon but not this soon.
Before it was like; "hey want to go outside and get a tan and/or skin cancer?"
but now it's like "hey lets go outside and get frost bite and loose all our limbs"
I know you may say, silly jess both of those have negative sides
Well here is my rebuttal: You are looking at the glass half empty. See if you were positive like me you would see the good out of the two... a tan.
At least the sun gives you something good.
But if you know me on a personal level, you will know that I will not just stand by and let the rain smack me across the face.
I smack the rain back.
And I did this by just running in it. I just ran as if it didn't exist.
HA! take that rain!
No one or nothing likes being ignored, trust me.
I may have caught hypothermia, but I sure showed the rain who's boss.
HA!
[I always have the last laugh]
Friday, October 10, 2008
Just A Random One [this one's for andrea]
So me and a friend were having a written convo during bio class and we touched on an interesting concept.
Here is a snippet of the convo. [j=me and a=Andrea]
a = Hahaha, ew. Your weird, but then again, so is everyone.
j = yupp. But wait, if I’m weird, but everyone is weird, wouldn't that make me normal?
a = I guess...
j = yup, and people who aren’t weird are just crazy, like mental institute crazy.
a = that's pretty cool. So what does that make me?
j = see you fit into the group of people who aren’t weird category, however your like secretly weird so you would be like one of those crazy people who can live in everyday society as long as they take their pills.
a = but I don't take pills...
j = we're talking about a hypothetical world!!
Anyways that’s the upside down world I live in
And I’d like to give a shout out to ANDREA MAO
She’s the one who asks me like 5 times a day to update my blog
You’re so cool I would hug you.....if you let me...
Here’s another snippet just to prove how cool Andrea is;
a = btw, I burned down the North Pole
j = why? ..... Did Santa touch you?
a = No.... did he touch you?
j = well no... But if he touched me I would burn down the North Pole and press charges
a = I lied. I didn't burn down the North Pole
j = shame on you!
a = oh well...
j = you could have potentially ruined 20 million children's beliefs about Santa and all you say is oh well?!?
For all you who think Andrea is normal...beware she's not lol
jk luv you Andrea!
Here is a snippet of the convo. [j=me and a=Andrea]
a = Hahaha, ew. Your weird, but then again, so is everyone.
j = yupp. But wait, if I’m weird, but everyone is weird, wouldn't that make me normal?
a = I guess...
j = yup, and people who aren’t weird are just crazy, like mental institute crazy.
a = that's pretty cool. So what does that make me?
j = see you fit into the group of people who aren’t weird category, however your like secretly weird so you would be like one of those crazy people who can live in everyday society as long as they take their pills.
a = but I don't take pills...
j = we're talking about a hypothetical world!!
Anyways that’s the upside down world I live in
And I’d like to give a shout out to ANDREA MAO
She’s the one who asks me like 5 times a day to update my blog
You’re so cool I would hug you.....if you let me...
Here’s another snippet just to prove how cool Andrea is;
a = btw, I burned down the North Pole
j = why? ..... Did Santa touch you?
a = No.... did he touch you?
j = well no... But if he touched me I would burn down the North Pole and press charges
a = I lied. I didn't burn down the North Pole
j = shame on you!
a = oh well...
j = you could have potentially ruined 20 million children's beliefs about Santa and all you say is oh well?!?
For all you who think Andrea is normal...beware she's not lol
jk luv you Andrea!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Girlicious More Like Pukelicious
I’m sorry to inform you that no matter how famous and sexy these four girls are or ever become I will never like them, they are just your run-of-the-mill industry whores
That’s right I said whores
I call em’ when I see em’
And I see them big time
So I'm going to explain to you the thoughts and anger I was feeling while I had to watch their videos
Basically I’m going to rip on their tasteless, talentless videos…in chronological order!
I was flippin' through the channels when I stopped on mtv and I saw the music video for “like me”
It was like a train wreck, it’s so awful but I couldn’t take my eyes away…. Oh how I wished I did, it was gross.
First on the docket; “Like Me”
Where do I even begin…?
I mean the song itself isn’t even that bad if you’re into that kind of music, but I mean come on, the video is only at #1 for one reason, and it isn’t the song.
First of all they aren’t really wearing any clothes… I mean this is understandable considering this is a music video but wait it gets worse.
They start unzipping these already skimpy outfits to reveal an even skimpier outfit!
I have two word for you; Latex underwear…. I mean is this really necessary?
Oh and I mean crumping/thrusting [thrusting is the white version of crumping] is great in music videos. Hell even I thrust every now and then, its fun, you should try it.
But when your whole dance routine is made up crumping/thrusting from various camera angles…it gets a little boring.
Oh and the best party of this song is this line;
“It ain’t easy being easy”
Oh wow, what have we come to that this is actually a line in a song?
2nd on the chopping block is “stupid shit”
The song title couldn’t be more correct…this video/song is some stupid shit.
First of all I would like to ask the question why?
Why must we further the image of school girls with kilts being sexy horney sex fiends?
I mean come on…. Plaid skirts aren’t that hot, honestly, I wear one.
Also I would say about 100% of school uniforms don’t look like that, maybe at the “little prostitot [prostitute + toddler = prostitot] finishing school, but not here in the real world.
Come back to reality you bunch of sluts…
Sorry, did that come out of my mouth?
Anyways there is yet more over-thrustage in this video, except this time instead of just thrusting the air or each other they also thrust on chain link fences and cars.
Good on you girls, you mixed it up...a little
Oh and did anyone else notice that there are like 50 crotch shots in this video… like seriously keep your vag to yourself.
Oh wait, this video gets better.
A group of like 50 girls come into an alley way and start stripping and erotically dancing with each other…. I mean have some self respect… I hope your father sees this video.
But this scene also leads me to question as to where the hell they are…because they should have all been attacked by creepy men, even before they started stripping. I swear they filmed this in an Amish village
Poor Amish, they didn’t know what hit them
Oh by the way, every sleepover I have is perfectly depicted in the last 30secs of this video…honest.
So in conclusion this group is a bad influence on the world. Period.
Little girls are watching these videos! Does anyone realize this?
Does anyone stop and think to themselves…. Hey girls might get the wrong impression?
F**K
And they wonder why girls’ images of themselves are so messed up.
That’s right I said whores
I call em’ when I see em’
And I see them big time
So I'm going to explain to you the thoughts and anger I was feeling while I had to watch their videos
Basically I’m going to rip on their tasteless, talentless videos…in chronological order!
I was flippin' through the channels when I stopped on mtv and I saw the music video for “like me”
It was like a train wreck, it’s so awful but I couldn’t take my eyes away…. Oh how I wished I did, it was gross.
First on the docket; “Like Me”
Where do I even begin…?
I mean the song itself isn’t even that bad if you’re into that kind of music, but I mean come on, the video is only at #1 for one reason, and it isn’t the song.
First of all they aren’t really wearing any clothes… I mean this is understandable considering this is a music video but wait it gets worse.
They start unzipping these already skimpy outfits to reveal an even skimpier outfit!
I have two word for you; Latex underwear…. I mean is this really necessary?
Oh and I mean crumping/thrusting [thrusting is the white version of crumping] is great in music videos. Hell even I thrust every now and then, its fun, you should try it.
But when your whole dance routine is made up crumping/thrusting from various camera angles…it gets a little boring.
Oh and the best party of this song is this line;
“It ain’t easy being easy”
Oh wow, what have we come to that this is actually a line in a song?
2nd on the chopping block is “stupid shit”
The song title couldn’t be more correct…this video/song is some stupid shit.
First of all I would like to ask the question why?
Why must we further the image of school girls with kilts being sexy horney sex fiends?
I mean come on…. Plaid skirts aren’t that hot, honestly, I wear one.
Also I would say about 100% of school uniforms don’t look like that, maybe at the “little prostitot [prostitute + toddler = prostitot] finishing school, but not here in the real world.
Come back to reality you bunch of sluts…
Sorry, did that come out of my mouth?
Anyways there is yet more over-thrustage in this video, except this time instead of just thrusting the air or each other they also thrust on chain link fences and cars.
Good on you girls, you mixed it up...a little
Oh and did anyone else notice that there are like 50 crotch shots in this video… like seriously keep your vag to yourself.
Oh wait, this video gets better.
A group of like 50 girls come into an alley way and start stripping and erotically dancing with each other…. I mean have some self respect… I hope your father sees this video.
But this scene also leads me to question as to where the hell they are…because they should have all been attacked by creepy men, even before they started stripping. I swear they filmed this in an Amish village
Poor Amish, they didn’t know what hit them
Oh by the way, every sleepover I have is perfectly depicted in the last 30secs of this video…honest.
So in conclusion this group is a bad influence on the world. Period.
Little girls are watching these videos! Does anyone realize this?
Does anyone stop and think to themselves…. Hey girls might get the wrong impression?
F**K
And they wonder why girls’ images of themselves are so messed up.
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