Kissing....It's Lethal

Well maybe not lethal but it could make you deaf.

That's right people, your ears are at risk, and it's not because you play your music to loud or some physco is running around with a nail gun shooting nails into your ears when your sleeping.

[however that does sound like the good idea for the novel I'm gunna write]

No, the treat to your ears could possibly be the person sitting next to you reading this...you significant other.... [or someone who is not so significant, but you still tend to suck face with them]

That's right people, I was watching some late night t.v. a couple of weeks back [I've been meaning to write this for a while :P] when Stephan Colbert [aka sexy/smartest guy in the world] started one of my favorite sections of the show; the threat down

Basically he numbers off the top five things that threaten our very being, among them there is often bears and Tom Cruise. [I actually don't think Tom Cruise had been on the threat down, but I think he should be!]

So .... back to our story...
NUMBER FIVE JAPANESE MEN
That's right, a guy in Japan kissed his girlfriend so hard that he "depressurized" her mouth and her ear drum blew!!

omfggm.... the poor girl.
One moment she's kissing her boyfriend thinking;
"Oh my, life is great, I have a job, a Mitsubishi, a boyfriend with whom I can swap saliva with, AND I can listen to the sound of birds and the timer on my rice cooker, then
BOOM
Her ear explodes and blood is shooting everywhere and she can no longer hear birds or when her rice is done! Her boyfriend drenched in ear puss and blood hasn't even realized what he's done...
Okay maybe that was a bit tooo graphic and a little over exaggerated, but hey, if we don't toughen up as kids, we end up being wimpy adults :P

this is from a newspaper:
'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1092849/Kiss-deaf-Chinese-girl-loses-hearing-passionate-kiss-ruptures-eardrum.html

All in all we learned a valuable lesson at the cost of one girls hearing;

Kissing is a dangerous sport, go back to kissing your pillow, it's safer....
:P

Long over due

so I promised some peeps I would write a blog entry on the day of school that should have been cancelled

so here it is



The following takes place between 7 am and 3.30 pm

So I awake at the usual time and spring out of bed with a smile on my face [as usual] and dash to the window in hopes that my dreams had come true in the form of frozen fluffy water

and too my great joy, what should my eyes behold, but a blanket of fresh snow and more falling from the heavens. [that would have been so cool if it rhymed]

I made a run for the computer thinking, its a good thing I didn't do my homework because there is no way in hell that my school would be open, I mean we all know at the first sign of snow, Vancouver shuts down.

But to my dismay I found nothing, not even the acknowledgement that snow had fallen.
So I call the school in my disbelief and to my dismay, I here the four words that no one wants to hear.

And it wasn't "we need to talk"
it was "the school is open"

Outraged beyond belief I left my house, kilt and all, for the journey of a life time.
I had to walk through the snow and my feet got extremely wet and my skytrain was stuck on the tracks for 30 min

not to mention it kept stopping abruptly, I thought it was gunna Derail
and if I died I was blaming the school.

I finally get to the 101 bus stop and what should my wandering eye see?
Dom and two little tenth graders waiting for a bus that would never come

we decided to call the school and give them our pity story as to why we were late when to our surprise our very own principal offered to come pick us up!

We drove with him trying to convince him to close the school for the next day but he as quite determined to keep us in the brick prison we call school.

When we finally got there my teacher confiscated my hat, scarf, and gloves despite the fact that I resembled Jack when he was freezing in the water after the Titanic sank. [I know you all saw that movie!]

the whole day was filled with multiple moans and groans from everyone and the constant fear that we would have to spend the night at school.

Wanting to avoid this a bunch of us were going to leave early but the grade 12's beat us to it and from then on teachers were patrolling the hallways

The whole day was a gong show, and I think a lot of us wanted it to stay that way so they would be to scared to keep the school open the next day

The day perked put though, snow balls in the hallway
me screaming "SCHOOLS CANCELLED GO HOME!" and people actually believing me
Dom organising a school wide snowball fight 5 min into 3rd block and only the grade tens going out and getting in extreme trouble
Dom being carried outside and covered in snow *ouch*
and convincing Mr. Cheng to let us have a snowball fight during class was a "good idea"
this of coarse resulted in teachers getting hit by snowballs and snowballs being thrown into the windows of classes in session:)

This was honestly the best non-snow day of school ever!
And it goes without saying that they closed the school the next day!

Not to mention the invention and premier of Maggies new cd "Maggie under the Mistletoe"

*see above picture*
Including Songs like
"It's Christmas Time, Lets Celebrate!"
Featuring duets with Amara on the track "Christmas Morning"
And the bonus track "Christmas time in Africa" by yours truly

now to send you on your ways here is a couple lines from "Christmas Morning"
It's Christmas morning
children running down the stairs
to open their presents...
Little jimmy trips
but daddy helps him up
....
the turkeys in the ovennnn and the corn is in the microwave!

its one of those things where you had to be there for it to be funny
lol

WANTED:

A Fake Boyfriend...

I' gunna be honest with you guys, and trust me it is hard for me to admit this seeing as it NEVER happens, prepare yourself...

I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE

which also happens to be quite hilarious for your benefit :p

Now before you start thinking to yourselves; that Jess, so desperate, now she's putting up want ads on her blog... I loose all respect for her...

WAIT, stop loosing respect for me! If you knew me well enough I don't really complain about not having a bf, and since you assumed I was complaining I have lost respect for you [see how I just made YOU the bad guy...lol]

Anyways, let me take you way back, back to a time and a place both foreign and unknown.... [Que crazy fade out music and cloudy mist]

December 13th 2008, My place of employment.

I was looking over my schedule with my boss at the end of my shift when he directed my attention to a notice he pinned up under the hours board

STAFF PARTY-SHBUSAN, 7.30

I was like "hell yeah! all you can eat and my boss pays for it!! whoop!"
I mean anyone would have this reaction, you don't have to be starving to have love food.

but then that's when it all started going down hill, i noticed that everyone who works with me had there name on the list along with a number.
oh don't panic, I was on the list....oh yes I was on the list...but with a big fat ONE next to it, i proceeded to notice that everyone else had a two by there name so I'm thinking;

"Hmmm so he just assumes I have no friends, ouch what a stab in my side"
Significant other didn't even cross my mind...

So I ask my boss if I could bring someone and he was like
"Only official boyfriend"

lol I laughed at this cause he said official, do you need a court order for these things?
but then I stopped laughing, I had realized he just assumed I was single...
DO I LOOK THAT LONELY?
lol
So I could have just stopped myself there but no, I had to say yes.
I said yes for two reasons;
A) I wanted to prove my boss wrong even though he was technically right, but who cares about technicalities?
B) I was gunna be the only one there alone...not cool
I would be the awkward 3rd wheel for about 10 couples!!
I can't let this happen, so this brings us back to the present day and my present predicament.

I need a fake boyfriend for December 21st 7.30

I know what your thinking, oh Jess and her shenanigans, she's crazy!

I would like to tell you I am not crazy however, I have a knack for getting myself in tight spots

Sooo if your interested give me a call
you get a free all you can eat dinner, and I'm not that bad to look at
please don't apply if you are under 5'8 and have an overage of facial hair
You can drop your resume off at my office
Please don't call me, I'll call you LOL

btw this is not a joke, I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS PROBLEM
lol

Dear Math, [a letter to math]

You're gay.

Not that I have anything against homosexuals, just thought I'd clear that up,
Shout-out to my same sex lovin' homies

I would also like to say I like guys, the above statement may have lead you to believe otherwise, that's why I also decided to clear that up.

ANYWAYS

I have been taught my whole life that two negatives [wrongs] don't make a positive [right].
I was told this at a young age and decided not to question it, so I have been going through my life being slapped about and not doing anything about it, and that was cool. I don't like starting conflicts, like my grand pale Kim Jung Il.

BUT OH NO, you come along and flip my whole world upside down.
You tell me sure, two negatives equal a negative, but if you multiply those negatives together you get a positive.
Hold up you mean if I multiply the negatives in life I get a positive?
Let me test this theory;

If I take a crappy mark on a test and multiply it by my house burning down....
hmmm,...carry the two...
Wait a minute! I don't get a positive! I get one homeless me with no chance in hell of going to collage!!

that my friend [or should I say enemy?], is no positive. You have mislead me and clouded my out look on life, you should be ashamed of yourself!

And when you add a negative too a positive you only SOMETIMES get a positive [however being a optimist, I believe that most of the time you get a negative lol]

Math, I truly believe that you are not only going against my mother's teachings, you are also going against my morals [oh no, you didn't] so I am hear by severing our relationship, and I think others should do the same. [and since whatever I think others should do is usually right, you will be a very lonely person/idea/thing]

I don't think I will be needing you in the future so try not to contact me, I'm moving and changing my phone number.

And remember,
It's not you, It's me.

Sincerely;

Jess DeBenedetto

I Think That's Where The Intial Attraction Started...

... that and the purple shirt :P

guys are weird,
I have yet to figure them out.

I could study them out in the wild for a million years,
Write ten books,
Teach a class at UBC,
Hold conferences,
Even have a show like Dr. Phil, trying to answer every one's questions.

And I'd still be confused [which is hard cause i'm a genius lol]

but what can we do?
Oh well I feel bad for them,
Considering we are the more complex of the two ;D
Good luck boys, the game is on

As I Am Writting This...

Connor is singing a very inappropriate song.

...And it is very awkward

Anyways, I'm sitting here in Socials class wanting to blow my brains out cause I have nothing to do sooo i am going to give you a play by play on what Connor is doing.

Right now he is looking up pictures of a popular t.v. show called afro samurai. He is swearing at the screen to try and explain to me about how cool this guy is and that i should get him the seasons for Christmas.

[I said no, lol]

Now he is humming a random tune and asking me what the name of the song he is signing is called, too bad he is tone deaf. because then i could actually tell him what the name of the song is.

I actually can't stand people who think they can sign and burden our ears with the unholy sound that is their voice.

However it is totally different when the person [btw Connor just called me gay, I told him he liked men, same meaning just different way of saying it] knows they can't sing and are just signing for the hell of it.

I am a good example of this. I KNOW i can't sing, so when I do it, it's cool, then again everything I do is cool.

And you know whats even worse... when people know they can sing so they make a point of signing all the time!

Like in the halls, while they are working, while they are walking, even while they are reliving themselves in the washroom.

When you get to the point that you sing on the toilet, you have lost all respect in my eyes [unless you are doing it in the privacy of your on bathroom, cause I admit, I sing on the toilet when no one is home]

But lets side bar to Connor, he is still humming that song and can't understand why I can't tell him the name, he just called his brother to find out the name, anyways back to signing.

You get to the point where your like okay we all know you can sing, so just shut-up.
I can handle to odd talent show or signing oh Canada for an Assembly of some importance.

I can truly handle that, just try not to do it at any other time, please and thank-you.

back to Connor, he is still humming that song asking me what's it called.

I can't understand him, here you try:
he's saying
hmmm hm hm hm hmmmmm HMMMMM hmm HMMM hm hm

any guess?
yours is as good as mine
I actually think your guess is better, that's how bad of a hummer Connor is
and I don't mean hummer as in the car,
but I'm sure he sucks at being one of those too :P

Well I better end this off before he reads it and kills me
pce out

I Hunt Kelp...

...because I always win...

This is one of many smart and sarcastic comments I made as the poor 18 year old employee of the Vancouver Aquarium was giving us our tour. The poor lad didn't know he was gunna get a group of teenage girls, who had a lot of smart-ass comments to say :P

However, before the tour, we got to go a touch a bunch of sea critters which were all very interesting, even the crab sent from hell to pinch me.

I mean I'm not a completely innocent person but why must this, of all things, happen to me?
We were passing around this hairy, spider-looking, crab and the minute it came to me, some idiot turned off the lights.

That right, the only thing providing me with the ability to see the grotesque thing has been taken away, so naturally I said [in a sarcastic tone]
"well this is great, I love to hold animals with pincher's in the dark it makes me feel like I'm living life on the edge"

And at that very moment the dang thing pinched me!! By the time the lights were back on I was dangling the thing over the piranha tank! [not actually a)because I would never do such a thing, and b) there were no piranhas handy.]

So after our tour of the aquarium, snack, and amazing wet lab [from hell]

We were lead to the underwater beluga viewing area, where we were designated our sleeping areas and told to get ready for bed.

So naturally, all the girls went into the bathrooms together, you know, to compare bra size and how cute each other p.j.'s were.

Hands down, I obviously won in both categories, so it is understandable that I was the first out of the bathroom and back to the sleeping area.

While I was putting my stuff in my bag I looked up to see the 5 week old baby beluga's face [is it called there face, or something more beluga-ey?] pressed up against the glass of the tank!!

My first thought was; GYFUGUCV!
My second thought was; no one is going to believe this, so I looked to my right and saw Nicole, [who was the runner up in the girls bathroom Olympics] and grabbed her to look at this precious creature.

We decided that we had a moment with the beluga that night, we felt that we shared something special with ________ [insert beluga name here], and we thought it felt the same way....but apparently not!

The beluga did the same thing with everyone else the next morning! That little beluga s**t, I feel so used...[and so does Nicole, seeing as she was also there for that moment too]

Anyways, the next morning we got to roam freely around the aquarium, and at this point we have seen everything, you can only see so much of the Aquarium till you start to go mental.

So a bunch of girls and I decided to go to the only place we hadn't been all night,

The gift shop!

We took a bunch of random pics, and filmed a short movie with finger puppets, entitled "grade 11 boys touch each other at night"
It will be premiering next week on youtube.

[ignore that last statement, it may not be true]

Oh and Obama, I'm still waiting for that thank-you card and the announcement that I'm the new Governor of Oklahoma, come on O-dawg I thought we had a deal?

And remember;
If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?
ANSWER; Of course not
If Jess falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear her, does she make a sound?
ANSWER; Yes, I always make a sound!